“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather — who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Unknown
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain
“It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.”
S. den Hartog
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Having watched so many evil antagonists behave so stupidly, I think
list should be required reading, not just for aspiring evil overlords, but writers. Even if I did violate #2, in my defence, many people know about the ducts and use them, including the wanna-be evil overlords.
Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs? Think about it. The answer is below.
Why English is such a hard language to learn:
A rough dough-faced plough-man walked coughing and hiccoughing through the streets of Scarborough
All seven ways to pronounce “ough” in the English language: “uff”, “oe”, “ow”, “off”, “up”, “ew”, “ah”.
- The Bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert, in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen, about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail (which was bought on sale?).
- After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
On the other hand, for all you lexiophiles (lovers of words):
- A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
- What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
And if English wasn’t bad enough:
Which language is right for you?
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have composed this complete(?), compact composite compendium comprising comparisons to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
- Assembler
- You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
- Ada
- The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
- Basic (interpreted)
- You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and falls off.
- Basic (compiled)
- You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCU missile launcher.
- C
- You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what you did.
- C++
- You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
- C#
- You shoot yourself in the foot, but not knowing that you are a reference, you hit your parent instead.
- COBOL
- USE HANDGUN.CLOT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.CLOT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER
- csh
- After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
- dBase
- You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work, so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
- FORTRAN
- You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was anticipated.
- Java
- You locate the Gun class, but discover that the Bullet class is abstract, so you extend it and write the missing part of the implementation. Then you implement the ShootAble interface for your foot, and recompile the Foot class. The interface lets the bullet call the doDamage method on the Foot, so the Foot can damage itself in the most effective way. Now you run the program, and call the doShoot method on the instance of the Gun class. First the Gun creates an instance of Bullet , which calls the doFire method on the Gun. The Gun calls the hit(Bullet) method on the Foot, and the instance of Bullet is passed to the Foot. But this causes an IllegalHitByBullet exception to be thrown, and you die.
- Forth
- Foot yourself in the shoot.
- Lisp
- You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds…
- <modula-2< dt=””></modula-2<>
- You perform a shooting on what might currenly be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
- Pascal
- Same as Modula-2, except that the bullet is not the right type for the gun and your band is blown off.
- Pascal
- You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your foot is the wrong tyle and out of range to boot!
- PL/I
- After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data-processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
- Smalltalk, Actor
- After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
- Snobol
- Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
- ORCA/C
- Byteworks keeps prompising to supply good ammuninition RSN!
- Anyone claiming one language is better than another
- You shoot yourself in the foot and blow off your head because of where you had put your foot.
So do most people have more than the average number of legs? It’s obvious really; most people have 2 legs, some have fewer, while none have more than 2. Therefore the average number of legs is fractionally less than 2. Since most people have 2 legs…
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice (with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice such traditions at all).*
Furthermore, I offer my (non-binding) best wishes for the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2008 , but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great. (Which is not to imply that Canada is any greater than any other country). These wishes are offered without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee, even if you’re a Liberal.
Happy (if happiness is in your belief system) Holidays (if you recognize them)